the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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