I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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