I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You smell like stripper and shame
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
