Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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