There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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