He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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