I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
