I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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