I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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