saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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