12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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