im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
