this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
