I can tuck mytits in my pants
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
