And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
