You smell like a Billy Joel song
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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