Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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