Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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