after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
