he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
