How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
