You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
