the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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