Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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