Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
