So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
