my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
