I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Come back. Shots need mouths.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
