Don't make out with my wife yet
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
