Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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