Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
