We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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