I'm so fucking centered right now
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize