Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize