tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
