I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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