My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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