all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
