P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
