In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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