he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
