If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize