I cannot find my penis.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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