his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
