I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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