If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize