Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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