He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
