Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
