Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize