I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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