The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
