Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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