I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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