I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
