My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
