It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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