Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My hand turned me down
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
