...so i touched it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize