my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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