I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
