literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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