perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
