he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
