Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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