now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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