wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
